I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
