I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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