I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
