i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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