the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
