Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
