Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
