smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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