tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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