So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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