Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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