yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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