on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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