When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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