a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
