So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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