he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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