____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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