Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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