I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
my poor anus
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
