the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
