Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Come share oat with me in your robe
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
