Redeem this text for a blowjob
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
