Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
