I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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