Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
