Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize