She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
