I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
