The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
