new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
