My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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