i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
