He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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