I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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