I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
