If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize