Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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