Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
