Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
