just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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