My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
