For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I intend to get homeless drunk
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize