Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize