Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just found puke in my bra..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
