My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
