Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
