I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
