Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
