her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
