I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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