Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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