my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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