If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize