but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
