Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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