i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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