I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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