The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
