I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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