I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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