He had one of those small greek statue penises
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
