woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
