I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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