Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
