apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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