We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
