peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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