Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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