Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
